The Wrong Porn

The Wrong Porn

by

Bobby Derie

Dramatis Personae

Sam (a customer)

Queen (the shop clerk)

Jess (another customer)

Scene

[The curtain rises on a sex shop.]

[Queen is at the counter, bored. Jess is browsing the wares.]

[Enter Sam, with package.]

QUEEN.

It’ll never fit, darling. Your eyes are bigger than your bottom.

JESS.

I…it’s not for me.

QUEEN.

It never is, is it?

SAM.

Excuse me, but I was in here yesterday to pick up something from my box and…well, it’s not what I wanted.

QUEEN.

Pornography is the art of raising hopes and dashing expectations. We risk disappointment every time. What’s the problem?

SAM.

Well I had ordered…something else, and I got this instead. I don’t want this, I want what I ordered.

QUEEN.

How do you know you don’t want it? Have you tried it?

SAM.

No, I haven’t tried it! Look, there’s a girl missing a leg on the cover, a clown, and a midget!

QUEEN.

We don’t judge darling, we just sell.

JESS.

Midgets? As in, persons of smaller than average size?

SAM.

Little people, yes.

JESS.

Like dwarves?

SAM.

Exactly so. Look, I’m in the middle of something here.

JESS.

Can I take a look at that while you two are talking?

SAM.

Alright, fine. Here. Where were we?

QUEEN.

You hadn’t tried it. So you don’t know if you like it.

JESS.

This isn’t even labeled in English, it’s Russian or Elvish or something.

SAM.

I know just looking at it that I don’t like it!

QUEEN.

If you haven’t tried it then you can’t possibly know you’ll like it or not. We never quite know what we like until we try something new. I can rent you a booth in the back to try it out.

JESS.

It has donkeys in it.

SAM.

Look, I don’t want to try it. I don’t want this. I want what I ordered.

JESS.

I think its part of a series.

QUEEN.

What did you order?

[Sam mumbles under her breath.]

QUEEN.

I’m sorry darling, I didn’t catch that. Can you speak up?

[Sam leans over and whispers in Queen’s ear]

[Exit Jess.]

QUEEN.

Oh my. The one with the…?

[Queen makes a gesture toward her chest. Sam nods.]

QUEEN.

Well, we’re not really supposed to, but if you’re really not pleased with it I can do a return. Do you have the receipt?

SAM.

Yes. Thank you. Here you are.

QUEEN.

I’m sorry, but this isn’t the correct receipt.

SAM.

What? But it’s the receipt I got yesterday when I picked this up.

QUEEN.

I know, I can read the date on it, but look, the name doesn’t match.

SAM.

This is the name of what I’d actually ordered.

QUEEN.

So you did pick it up yesterday?

SAM.

No! I picked this up instead. I thought it was it. The clerk must have rung it up wrong.

QUEEN.

Well, that happens. You should really check these things before you leave. Look, I can’t refund your money without a receipt, but I can run an exchange.

SAM.

Thank you. Really. It should still be in my box.

[Sam checks the box. Enter Jess, flustered.]

JESS.

Do you have any more of this?

QUEEN.

I’ll check in the back, dear.

[Exit Queen.]

SAM.

My box is empty!

JESS.

Well, you’ve come to the right place then. Dildos are on the west wall, and there are booths in the back if the need is immediate.

SAM.

Arsefuck. This is impossible. I just want to fucking get off. It shouldn’t be this hard.

JESS.

You must be looking for something very special.

SAM.

It’s…well, it’s nothing too kinky, you know. But I like what I like, and it can be hard to find stuff. I didn’t want to order it over the internet or anything, have it delivered to the house, pay with a credit card with my name on it to one of those sites. And I got so excited waiting for it to come in…I’ve spent the last couple of weeks rubbing my legs together at the thought of it.

JESS.

Go on.

SAM.

Ew, no. Are you a pervert or something?

JESS.

Something like, yes. Although it’s not like you can really judge me now, is it? I mean, we’re both here for the same reason. It’s not even like you wandered in thinking this was a lingerie shop or something. There were no honest mistakes here. When you get right down to it, we’re after the same thing.

SAM.

No. I know what I want. I’m not…browsing and touching things just to look at them. I’ve seen you in here, before. I only come here for the one thing, and I even managed to screw that up. I think this is the longest conversation I’ve ever had at a porn store.

JESS.

I know, right? How many times have you walked in and out of here, people milling about, and nobody’s looking anyone else in the eye? Everyone giving each other the space to do their thing in private. I’ve seen a lot of people like you, who aren’t here to browse, who feel guilty if they sit and linger instead of getting their sex goods in a business-like fashion. In and out. I don’t hold with that. I think there’s pleasure to be had in every step of the experience, and like anything sensual, is worth taking your time over. And I don’t like to be judged.

SAM.

I don’t…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.

JESS.

Don’t worry about it. I think I’m going to buy this thing if the clerk ever gets back.

QUEEN.

Hello then my darlings, good news and bad news. There’s no more of that series in the back, but I found the item you were looking for earlier in the mail pile.

SAM.

Oh wonderful.

JESS.

Damn.

QUEEN.

Now, if you’ll just give me the one you got yesterday, I’ll change it out.

SAM.

Right, I gave it to…hey now, where is it?

JESS.

Oh. Yes, I must have left in the booth.

SAM.

You dirty…you didn’t. You were only gone a minute!

QUEEN.

Oh dear. Did you take it out of the packaging?

JESS.

Yes?

QUEEN.

We might have a problem then. I cannot accept a return if the product has already been opened. It’s the owner’s property.

SAM.

Oh come on! He’s the one that did it!

JESS.

Look, I feel bad about this. Let me pay you for it, and then you can buy your thing.

SAM.

Alright.

JESS.

Except I don’t have any cash on me, just my card. [To Queen] So can I pay you for it, and you give her the refund for it?

QUEEN.

I suppose. I’ll need to scan the first item again though.

SAM.

I’ll get it.

[Exit SAM.]

[Jeff hands card to Queen.]

[Enter Sam, hands package to Queen.]

[Queen counts out money on the counter, hands packages to both Jess and Sam.]

QUEEN.

There you are darlings. I hope to see you both again.

[Exeunt Jess and Sam.]

QUEEN.

Two more satisfied customers

[Enter Jess.]

JESS.

Er, I don’t quite know how to say this but…you’ve given me the wrong porn.

[CURTAIN.]

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